A Bionic Bitch-Slapping.

Well, the Great, Big Mama Bird of Network Television has regurgitated up another tv classic for the Hungry Baby Birds of Network Tv Viewers to swallow up, hungrily. NBC has reworked a tv show that absolutely no one was dying to see again, 1975's "The Bionic Woman". I think it's hilarious that they've worked so hard to re-imagine what was, essentially a spin-off of a much more popular male character. Before there was a Bionic Woman, there was "The Six Million Dollar Man".
The latter show was infinitely more popular. Kids everywhere were enthralled with the adventures of Steve Austin, as played by Lee Majors. I can't figure out why Network TV isn't remaking the more popular show of the two. But then again, I've decided that television and movie producers have been hitting the crack-pipe of corporate business decisions so long ago, that they're clearly making ass-backwards decisions, all the time.

But then, you probably already knew that.

In this NEW bionic woman show, the bionic woman is played by Michelle Ryan.

That's her, right there.


Those GIGANTIC TITS are nuclear powered, boyos. It took the top surgeon to restore her come hither look and her "fuck me" eyes. Also, she is clearly fingering herself in this picture, which is, I think, hardly appropriate for network television.


According to this review, the NEW bionic woman is a low-paid bartender who was in a bad car-accident. The government decided to rebuild her, giving her nuclear powered legs, right arm, right ear and right eye. Also her blood has this amazing new compound in it that allows her to heal more quickly. (Someone saw X-Men, the movie, didn't they?)
In the first episode, she becomes the NEW bionic woman, instantly becomes a bad-ass proto-military chick, fucks some dude, breaks some other dude out of a mega-prison and then fights the "original" bionic woman, who has gone rogue and ...blah blah blah...I don't fucking care.

And niether should you.

It was stupid, pointless, spin-off bullshit in 1975 and now it's stupid, pointless, remade bullshit, 32 years later. Several reviews that I've read have embraced the whole "knowingly cheesey, meta level of writing where characters talk like they KNOW that they're on a bad sci-fi show."
Why? Fucking Why? That's just lazy writing. The writers looked at the premise and thought, "Nobody is going to watch this shit and expect anything realistic or interesting. They just want a big-titted, tank-topped, military chick jump around and kick guys through walls. Let's just write that!" And so they did.

Now, I'm not lamenting the wasted efforts that have been put into this... let me say this again... REMAKE OF A SHITTY SPIN-OFF OF A 70'S SHOW. It was a turd from the minute some Hollywood exec ironically gave this the go-ahead. No getting around it. But maybe the writers could've actually invested in this character's story, invested in the reality of her situation, focused less on giving her hot tits and a sister with a pathetic backstory and put her in high-adventure plotlines that are balanced with her secret alter-ego lifestyle. The girl who pines for the slacker down the street from her place, but also fights ninjas who attack her when she's cooking in her apartment. See how much more charming that is?

Well, the first reviews are starting to come in and as one would guess, it fucking sucks. Here's what a reviewer had to say about the show on IMDB...

I like Battlestar Galactica, its a good remake of a terrible 70s show. This on the other hand is the polar opposite. The effects for the most part are bad, and at some points cartoony. The dialogue is sub par for the most part and the characters unimaginative to say the least more accurately to say there stock characters drawn from "the big book of thriller stock characters for dummies, TV edition". The few bright spots are those performances from Eick's Battlestar cast, Starbuck as the evil first Bionic woman was good but let down by poor writing and character that is just crazy without motivation. In every regard it is failed by the writing one of the key themes female empowerment isn't so much subtle underlayed in the story but bludgeoned into you at ever dialogue opportunity. However if the writing and the special effects were improved it might be OK, though unlikely to ever excel since the star Michelle Ryan lacks the acting ability to be the centre of the show, unlike the ensemble of battlestar this show will ultimately live or die by her performance. probably be cancelled after a season, or get transfered to Sci Fi channel.

Please note that Battlestar Galactica took an old show, kept it's central premise, jettisoned the shitty extraneous stuff and took it's situation and plot VERY seriously and invested them with hard core reality. Consequently, the show was a phenomenal success.

I'm sick of the networks lazily producing shit.

I'm insulted that they expect that I'm going to give them a pass because they're knowingly creating an ironic take on a piece of shit. Fuck that. If they want my time and my cash, they best earn it by creating something compelling or interesting to hold my attention. (I.E. "Lost" which is niether a remake, nor a fucking spin-off.) I'm a hostile tv viewer that is tired of buying the same shit that I bought once before.

And really, so should you be. Hold the networks up to a higher standard, refuse to watch the backwash that they leave at the bottom of the bottle and resell to you, and they'll eventually get desperate enough to take a chance on original works or smart, funny, sexy scripts. Just because THEY'RE being lazy doesn't mean that you get to be lazy too.

Don't even get me started on the Caveman Insurance Commercial that's being re-packaged as a tv show right now. Apparently network television is being programmed by a 12 year old girl. I see that show being created and I think, "The Fundamentalist Jihadists might be onto something. That show makes me want to fucking kill capitalists too."

Here endeth the Bionically Powered Rant...